Thursday, May 30, 2013

Mid life crisis.

A colleague at work says that I am having "the best mid life crisis EVER!"  I think she's probably right.

In the last few months I've bought a new bike, a new car, remodeled my bathroom, started on my kitchen remodel, gotten at tattoo, quit my job, dated a girl and broke up with that same girl. Ok- That last bit still kind of stings. 

My sister thinks I've gone mad. My other sister has these few words of wise advice: 

"Stop. It. Now!!!" 

Dont worry- I'll slow down pretty soon. But it's true. If ever there was to be a mid life crisis- I'm well into the throws of one. 

It could be menopause. Or grief. Or truly- maybe just madness. 

But I've just decided to live my life to the fullest extent possible and let the universe be my guide. My psychic friend has told me that I have a strong ability to manifest what I want in this life. And I'm trusting that she is correct. 

I think she is. And I don't know what is next. But I do know that I will have time to spend the summer with my daughter, travel, continue with remodeling my house, spend time with my family and friends, play my guitar, write, date, and cherish this amazing gift I have been given- life. 

The universe will work itself out- and I will be fine. 

So- sis- for now, I'm just going to ignore your otherwise sage advice. 

"Stop. It. Now!!" 

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Jesus saves.

Jesus saves. I should know. He saved me three times. Once as a teenager at Camp Tecuya with a Good News Bible in one hand and a "you're going to hell" cassette in the other. Once at a Billy Graham crusade. And the last time when I was 24 and baptized Lutheran by Pastor Rebecca alongside Joey Dooley. I'm pretty Sure He'd do it again if I let him.

I'm also sure that, in His Birkenstocks and linen robes, He was not a big fan of hanging on to unnecessary stuff. 

I've been doing a lot of purging lately. Old photos (thank you Google Drive), jewelry, clothes, furniture, kitchen items, tools, shoes. Old texts, emails, contacts. I've "unfriended" Facebook people who I no longer need in my life. I've even reset my Roku, Netflix and Amazon passwords. Whatever. Anything that is, in my mind, not worth hanging onto or that is reminiscent of the "old me." There is something brilliant and freeing about it. Really. 

And I've saved some stuff too. Coins collected from my mother and grandparents, sea shells, sentimental pieces of costume jewelry and good friends. 

I've even begun remodeling my bathroom. What started out as a really bad mood blossomed into a total gut. New tub, sink, fixtures, tile.  I had originally intended to salvage some stuff but as I went on, it went too. The bathroom mirror- vent- vanity light. So yes, the towel rings are nearly exactly the same as the old ones. But they had to go. I did keep the toilet and the back shower wall in its original brick (the jury is still out on that one though). But, for me, it ultimately is about starting over and beginning fresh. 

I'll save some stuff. And I'll continue to get rid of that which doesn't work for me anymore. 

So yes, Jesus saves. 

But I'm pretty sure He was a fan of the purging too. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Happy Mothers Day- part deaux.

I started this blog a year ago on Mothers Day (ish) and it feels fitting to somehow now come back full circle.

And, it was intended to be about parenting. Particularly- parenting from a "two mommy" perspective. Those kinds of things don't exist in a really meaningful way. At least not for me.

But it evolved into a means for me to work out what has been in my head- and my heart. And a wee bit about the kid. So the title kinda fits- but not in the way that I originally intended.

It has been a whirlwind of a couple of years. I won't go into details- I've already done that. And I've come out the other side. And then some. 

I've moved through lots of stuff- grief, anger, joy, insecurity, pure silliness and wild laughter- to a place that I can only describe as abundance and gratitude. Abundance in my heart and my space in this life, and gratitude that I have had this amazing opportunity to move through the hardest that life has had to offer... and I am still standing... and looking forward to whatever is next. And grateful that I know now that I am stronger than I have ever been. And less lonely. Partially because I have embraced the love from my friends, and partially because I finally have found a pretty darn good BFF- me. 

And I'm so very grateful for my daughter. I'm constantly in awe of her. She is strong and confident and just a little bit sassy. And she's getting ready to start the second grade next fall. And she still has some stuff to learn. But hell, don't we all?

As I try to find the words to really express what I  know to be true, and what I want my daughter to know as she moves through this clusterfuck of a life, I keep coming back to the words of Sarah Kay- a spoken word poet. She says it better than I ever could- so I will let her. 

"B" by Sarah Kay

If I should have a daughter,
instead of "mom," she's gonna call me "Point B."

Because that way she knows no matter what happens

at least she can always find her way to me.

And I'm going to paint the solar systems on the backs of her hands.

So that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say
"Oh, I know that like the back of my hand."

And she's gonna learn that this life will hit you.
In the face.
Wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach.

But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs

how much they like the taste of air.

There is hurt here
that cannot be fixed
by band-aids or poetry.

So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming,
I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape
all by herself.

Cause no matter how wide you stretch your fingers,
your hands will always be too small to catch 
all the pain you want to heal.

Believe me.

I've tried.

"And, baby," I'll tell her,
"Don't keep your nose up in the air like that.
I know that trick;
I've done it a million times.

You're just smelling for smoke,
so you can follow the trail back to a burning house,
so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire,
to see if you can save him.

Or else,
find the boy who lit the fire in the first place 
to see if you can change him."

But I know she will anyway,
so, instead, I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby.

Because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix.

Okay...there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix,
but that's what the rain boots are for.

Because rain will wash away everything,
if you let it.

I want her
to look at the world
through the underside of a glass bottom boat.

To look with a microscope at the galaxies that exist
on the pinpoint of a human mind.

that's the way my mom taught me.

That there'll be days like this.
There'll be days like this my mama said.

When you open your hands to catch
and wind up with only blisters and bruises.

When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly
and the very people you want to save
are the ones standing on your cape.

When your boots will fill with rain,
and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment,
and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say "Thank You."

Cause there's nothing more beautiful

than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline
no matter how many times it's sent away.

You will put the wind in winsome...lose some.

You will put the star in starting over. And over.

And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute
make sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.

And, yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am
pretty damn naive. 

But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar.

It can crumble so easily but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out
and taste it.

"Baby," I'll tell her,
"Remember your mama is a worrier
and your papa is a warrior. 

And you are the girl with small hands and big eyes
who never stops asking for more."

"Remember that good things come in threes do bad things."

And, "Always apologize when you've done something wrong.

But don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes
refuse to stop shining.

Your voice is small
but don't ever stop singing."

And when they finally hand you heartache,
when they slip war and hatred under your door, 
and offer you hand outs on street corners
of cynicism and defeat,
you tell them that they
really oughtta meet
your mother.